Nope, your eyes are not deceiving you, the other day my husband did ask me if I was ok with him starting to date other people….
For those of you who don’t know my story: I left my husband 9 weeks ago. We were 11 days short of our 11 year anniversary and I was 11 weeks pregnant with our second child. (If there are any numerology experts reading this, I am taking opinions!!!)
It wasn’t mutual. But about three weeks ago we decided that we missed each other’s friendship and will try to remain friends. After all, how could that possibly be bad for our kids?
So, he asked me if it was ok for him to start dating and this totally triggered my hormonal mess of a pregnant brain into utter confusion. In fact, I haven’t been sleeping well. In part thanks to my toddler (who all of a sudden refuses to sleep through the night and won’t sleep more than 9hrs in general) and in part thanks to the vivid dreams I’ve been having about my ex and his new, imaginary girlfriend.
Here is what’s bothering me about my ex starting to date:
- Is that all our almost 8 year marriage and 11 years together meant to him? He is ready to find a new love of his life. I know I left and I shouldn’t be frustrated but it hurts to think that our 11 years together and I can be replaced/ forgotten that quickly.
- Up until three weeks ago he was begging me to come back. Either his therapist is a magician or…what?
- We are still married, our divorce won’t be finalized until after baby #2 is born, another 4+ months away.
Logically I understand that he is hurting just as much as me and is looking to fill a gaping hole. He certainly didn’t need to ask me if I was ok with him dating. I wouldn’t have done the same. I get it, he is hungry, horny and lonely. He is used to coming home to freshly cooked meals, full fridge, clean laundry, and a filled social calendar. I have it on good authority that these days dinners consist of nuked hot dogs. So I get it, his need for a mate encompasses more than just emotional and physical desires. He needs someone to take care of him. None of this logic makes me feel better.
I have thought about dating but I talk myself out of it every time because I feel like I am considering it for all the wrong reasons, like:
- I need to fill this gaping whole inside of me. The problem with this one is that you can’t expect to attract healthy people and nurture healthy relationships before you are stable and emotionally healthy. I just left my husband. Obviously there were issues there; I have a gaping hole of sadness and other crappy emotions. Slapping a new relationship on that whole will not help it heal.
- I feel like my time is running out. Baby #2 will be born in approximately 20 weeks after which he will be attached to my boob for the better part of a year. Good luck finding a guy who will want me for me and not to fulfill a freaky fetish (not judging here). Although, doesn’t the same apply to dating a pregnant woman?
- My boobs will never look this good again. At least not in their natural state.
I know that when it comes to relationships, my first priority is to learn how to love myself. I want someone to come and rescue me from my pain but that job only belongs to me. That’s the key to actually attracting and nurturing the kind of relationship with the kind of man that I want.