My Husband Asked if I am ok with Him Seeing Other People…

My Husband Asked if I am ok with Him Seeing Other People…

Nope, your eyes are not deceiving you, the other day my husband did ask me if I was ok with him starting to date other people….

For those of you who don’t know my story: I left my husband 9 weeks ago. We were 11 days short of our 11 year anniversary and I was 11 weeks pregnant with our second child. (If there are any numerology experts reading this, I am taking opinions!!!)

It wasn’t mutual. But about three weeks ago we decided that we missed each other’s friendship and will try to remain friends. After all, how could that possibly be bad for our kids?

So, he asked me if it was ok for him to start dating and this totally triggered my hormonal mess of a pregnant brain into utter confusion. In fact, I haven’t been sleeping well. In part thanks to my toddler (who all of a sudden refuses to sleep through the night and won’t sleep more than 9hrs in general) and in part thanks to the vivid dreams I’ve been having about my ex and his new, imaginary girlfriend.

Here is what’s bothering me about my ex starting to date:

  • Is that all our almost 8 year marriage and 11 years together meant to him? He is ready to find a new love of his life. I know I left and I shouldn’t be frustrated but it hurts to think that our 11 years together and I can be replaced/ forgotten that quickly.
  • Up until three weeks ago he was begging me to come back. Either his therapist is a magician or…what?
  • We are still married, our divorce won’t be finalized until after baby #2 is born, another 4+ months away.

Logically I understand that he is hurting just as much as me and is looking to fill a gaping hole. He certainly didn’t need to ask me if I was ok with him dating. I wouldn’t have done the same. I get it, he is hungry, horny and lonely.  He is used to coming home to freshly cooked meals, full fridge, clean laundry, and a filled social calendar. I have it on good authority that these days dinners consist of nuked hot dogs. So I get it, his need for a mate encompasses more than just emotional and physical desires. He needs someone to take care of him. None of this logic makes me feel better.

I have thought about dating but I talk myself out of it every time because I feel like I am considering it for all the wrong reasons, like:

  • I need to fill this gaping whole inside of me. The problem with this one is that you can’t expect to attract healthy people and nurture healthy relationships before you are stable and emotionally healthy. I just left my husband. Obviously there were issues there; I have a gaping hole of sadness and other crappy emotions. Slapping a new relationship on that whole will not help it heal.
  • I feel like my time is running out. Baby #2 will be born in approximately 20 weeks after which he will be attached to my boob for the better part of a year. Good luck finding a guy who will want me for me and not to fulfill a freaky fetish (not judging here). Although, doesn’t the same apply to dating a pregnant woman?
  • My boobs will never look this good again. At least not in their natural state.

I know that when it comes to relationships, my first priority is to learn how to love myself. I want someone to come and rescue me from my pain but that job only belongs to me. That’s the key to actually attracting and nurturing the kind of relationship with the kind of man that I want.

What to do When Being around Someone Makes You Physically Ill

What to do When Being around Someone Makes You Physically Ill

I have a dear college friend who lives across the country, lovely person who I would even consider a sibling. We’ve been getting together twice a year since graduation. I go out there in the summer and said friend comes to visit me in the winter. I noticed that EVERY time we get together, I get sick and/ or someone accompanying me gets sick. The first year my soon to be ex injured his foot and couldn’t walk for the remainder of the trip. Next time my brother was with us and both of us got epic colds and ended up missing out on all the planned activities. My son was with us last year and got violently ill. (Why is it that I only forget to bring the Nebulizer when we go out in the middle of nowhere and the nearest medical facility is 75 miles away?)

Do you notice a pattern? It took me 5 years to notice this pattern and then I spend another 3 years being in denial about it. I blamed the illnesses on traveling, lack of sleep, bad luck, time of year, you name it. But all of that is crap. This friend is a lovely person with her own fair share of baggage and problems. This baggage literally makes me and my family ill. I love my friend, but she is happy living in the victim role and plans on staying there for the time being. It’s up to me to decide if I want to stick around and get sick or try to inspire her to work towards being a victor and no longer submerse myself into her toxic cloud every six months. For the record, I chose the latter.

There were many red flags in my marriage that I am only starting to see and admit to now.  But the one that shook me to my core and finally gave me the courage to separate was that being with my husband was making me physically ill. I was sick for the entire month of April. I had some kind of vicious virus followed by a debilitating sinus infection (sinus fluid squirting out of my eyes each time I coughed, sneezed or blew my nose kind of vicious…TMI, I know). All of this on top of the fact that I was finishing out my first trimester of pregnancy. Thank God I have my own business with a co-founder and plenty of subcontractors because I was in bed with an uncontrollable fever for 2 weeks. (Fever in pregnancy is scary and dangerous!) My sweet toddler would crawl up into bed with me to snuggle and watch movies! All the while I was even more stressed out because I felt like I was neglecting my child and melting his brain with daily movies.

I was dead to the world for at least three weeks. I missed my weekly energy healing/ therapy sessions. After three weeks of hell, I reached out to my healer in frustration and she graciously offered to have a phone conversation with me on a Friday night!!! She alluded to the fact that maybe I didn’t catch a ferocious virus, maybe my bottled up feelings and toxic environment were making me ill. That is EXACTLY what it was. I continued to be ill until I put on my big girl panties and moved out in the middle of the day taking only my son, a few clothes and just my “prized” possessions.

As the divorce process continues on, I get physically ill each time my soon to be ex and I have something real and separation related to discuss. I get instant congestion, sore throat, headache, earache and couch. Even the gross eye goo comes back. My symptoms miraculously vanish once I calm down after each interaction. It’s fascinating and magical and another validation for those brief moments of weakness when I get scared of the future.

How I Locked Myself out of My Computer and How to Get Your Computer Unlocked

How I Locked Myself Out of My Computer… Divorce Dysfunction

So yesterday I did the ultimate stupid thing and locked myself out of my laptop. No, I am not a complete moron. In fact, I have an above average IQ. (Yeah, yeah I know. You are thinking… “Wow someone is full of herself”.) I am going through the traumatic experience of separating from my husband. Even though I want this divorce and am happy to be separated; it’s still a traumatic life experience. Between that and the fact that my hormones are out of whack as I enter my 2nd trimester of pregnancy, I am a space cadet. Oh and did I mention that we are also entering Mercury retrograde?

Fairly recently I was not a spiritual person and not into all the “woo woo” stuff. I have since seen the light. Mercury retrograde is famous for screwing with technology and communication. I didn’t believe all of this in the past but I did start noticing that during specific times of the year, technology and communication seemed to all break down and reek all kinds of havoc. Once I became more in tune with the “woo woo” world, I noticed the correlation between Mercury retrograde and tech/ communication issues. During these three weeks, it’s best not to sign contracts, have extra patience with communication and just expect tech to go haywire.  But we live in a modern world. As much as I would totally LOVE to hide out in a cave with a three week supply of my favorite whine and chocolate, a healthy baby and a thriving business are my priorities.

So how does one lock themselves out of their laptop? Well…for years I’ve been a fan of Denice Duffield Thomas and an active participant of her Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp. Denise always talks about infusing your day to day life with positive reminders of your goals. For example, you can set your passwords to be your goals. For well over six months my laptop password has been associated with our family goal to purchase a new home this spring. At this point I’ve been separated for a week and a half and typing in this password pissed me off each and every time! Instead of buying a new home for our happy family, I am now living in my childhood home with my parents and toddler… BIGGEST HUMBLING MOMENT EVER!

After being triggered by this password for a whole week, I changed it to incorporate a new goal. I wrote the password down on a sticky note. Four hours later, after putting my son down to bed, my scribbles couldn’t get me into my laptop. ANOTHER HUMBLING MOMENT – After struggling for 45 minutes to figure out my password, I stuck my tail between my legs and begged my dad for help. My dad already thinks I am a giant winner. I heard him ask the other day how he failed as a parent that resulted in a daughter who makes such bad decisions:

  • First I married a man he disapproved of
  • Then I quit a corporate career to start my own business
  • Then, almost 8 years later I decided to leave my husband 11 weeks into a pregnancy with our second child
  • On top of all of this, I also moved in with a toddler and borrowed a bunch of money

#WINNING

*On a side note, I am beyond grateful that I have choices and an amazing support network of friends, family and clients who might not always agree with my decisions but love me enough to support me regardless.

Lucky for me, my dad is a highly sought after IT genius. Both my dad and brother (who is also my business partner and best friend in the whole entire world) stayed up way too late to hack into my own computer. Turns out hacking into a computer is WAY TOO EASY. Anyone can do it… the software is free. (If you are a fellow password struggler, let me know and I will send you a link to the tutorial we used to hack back into my own computer.)

We all went to bed after midnight and of course this was also the night my son woke at 1am with a nightmare. Any other pregnant women out there who don’t enjoy spending the night on your toddler’s floor?

The moral of this whole story… The advice I keep giving myself:

  • Give yourself a break, you need time to heal.
  • Don’t beat yourself up. I promise that you are doing the very best that you can under the circumstances that you are in!
  • Stop caring what other people think (even your parents). I learned a long time ago not to judge people. You don’t know what circumstances lead to their decisions and situation. You can only judge if you end up in the exact same situation. No two situations are 100% alike. Yes, people around you are judging you. They are not as spiritually enlightened as you are and don’t even think about what they would do in your situation. You need not concern yourself with that. Besides, if someone doesn’t love you enough to support your decisions anyway, why do you care what they think?
  • Work on self-love (This one is a BIGGIE! If you don’t unconditionally love yourself, how can you expect others to?)

I already said this but it is SO important! You are going through a traumatic life experience. You have to stop caring about what other people think…even your dad who keeps bailing your ass out of nasty situations. You have two options:

  1. You can stay in a toxic relationship you whole life and pretend that you are that perfect “Pinterest family”.
  2. You can take baby steps to improve your life.

Option 2 is humiliating, hard, expensive, dramatic, full of judgement… but there is hope that life will get better, opportunities to get all the life experiences you’ve been dreaming about, at the end of it all you get a FRESH START.

Option 1 guarantees that you will stay exactly where you are or even worse, keep decaying.

For me the choice was simple – life is short and you only get 1 go at it.